Ladies, Can I Have a Word?

It’s been just over a week since the 45th President of the United States was inaugurated. He’s not my president (literally, rather than in the powerfully symbolic way many Americans are saying it) but I wasn’t happy about it. I could fill a whole blog post, in fact many blog posts, about how and why I wasn’t happy about it. But that’s not what I want to talk about today. Instead, I want to talk about us gals.

The day after the Inauguration, women (and men alongside them) all over the world marched in protest of the views of men like the new President, of the inequality women face, of the way we’re negatively treated. I applaud the marchers. I didn’t take part. I could say that it was because I was working but really, I’m just not the marching type. I’m the writing type (obviously). I applaud women standing together to protest inequality. It’s a beautiful thing.

Women's March On London

It’s an especially beautiful thing in view of something a little uglier I’ve noticed of late. It’s something perhaps we don’t want to discuss. Feminism generally targets those institutions, governments and individual men who oppress women, who discriminate against women and who regularly insult women. Quite right. Someone needs to speak out against them and it’s important that we do. However, we seem to be ignoring a rather large group of people who constantly diminish our worth and our self esteem. Other women.

I’ll give you a few examples of what I’m talking about. Last year in the US, a former Playboy Bunny decided to take a photo of a woman she did not know and share it online, along with a disgusting comment. She claimed later that she meant to only share with a friend, as if that made it ok. I was initially shocked but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I’ve heard countless women make nasty comments about another woman’s appearance.

Here in the UK, when the Conservative party was looking for a new leader, candidate Andrea Leadsom made the claim that being a mother gave her more of a stake in the future of the country, compared to Theresa May, who has no children. Again, I was shocked. Whether or not you’re a mother shouldn’t enter into how qualified you are to do any job. But then, how many of us have faced similar comments? And how many of those comments have come from women? Not all, I suspect, but some.

After the US Presidential election, a woman emailed another woman (who happened to be the Mayor of a town in West Virginia) describing Michelle Obama as an ‘ape in heels’. Ok, this isn’t just a nasty comment about another woman’s appearance, it’s also got a rather racist vibe to it, although both the sender and recipient tried to claim otherwise during the backlash when the email was made public. But still. Michelle Obama, who not only maintains a constant air of dignity, but also campaigns tirelessly for the rights of girls. None of that matters. What counts is how she looks.

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We’re regularly told about the damaging effects of women’s magazines that show images of women that have been perfected (in the opinion of some), first by professional stylists then by editing software. On top of these images are articles about how to keep your boyfriend interested in you, how to lose weight in ways that are usually unhealthy and sometimes border on dangerous and how we can shell out endless amounts of money in an attempt to look like women someone has decided look the correct way. As you can probably tell by now, I hate these magazines. They cause misery. But who makes the decisions on running these articles and including these images? A 2008 article from Forbes tells us that the top magazine editors are all women.

When a man recently directed at me the kind of nasty sexist comment we all face at least occasionally, the many women present didn’t defend me or encourage me to defend myself. Instead they told me that men are just like that and we have to put up with it. Which is pretty much insulting both genders at once. Men are apparently animals who can’t help but be disgusting and sexist and women should just submissively shut up and accept it. Neither of which I see as true. Shamefully, I’m not the confrontational type, so I did shut up. I shouldn’t have. I will try to have the strength not to when this almost inevitably happens again.

Am I saying that the discrimination and oppression of women is actually the fault of other women? No, of course I’m not. I’m saying that it doesn’t help the situation when women tear each other down.

To quote Tina Fey’s character in Mean Girls (an awesome film, by the way), ‘You need to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores’.

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On a more positive note, there are plenty of women out there who are supporting other women. I already mentioned Michelle Obama, who I really admire. I’ve taught my own daughter her now famous quote: ‘When they go low, you go high’. Malala Yousifrazi, who risked her own life in her determination to become educated and to spread a message about the importance of education, especially for girls in countries where it’s too often denied to them.

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Emma Thompson, a supremely talented actress (I dare anyone to watch her performance in Love Actually and not shed a tear) but also a human rights advocate and a highly intelligent and witty woman who behaves exactly as she wishes, seemingly without a care of what anyone might say about it.

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I could go on. But I want to end with this. We can all be one of those women who encourages, supports and defends, rather than criticising and mocking each other on appearance or irrelevant personal choices. We can all be positive role models for each other. Do we all need to be best friends? No. We just need to be a bit kinder and a bit more considerate.

 

Thanks for reading.

A few thoughts on Feminism and International Women’s Day

It was International Women’s Day yesterday and it made me think about labels and oppression and freedom. So I thought I’d share all that with you.

I’ve always been a little unsure of the term ‘Feminist’. I know there was a big movement a couple of years ago of various celebrities and politicians, mostly male, loudly declaring themselves as feminists but the cynic in me rolled her eyes and dismissed it all as a way to garner publicity.

I know lots of women aren’t as fortunate as I am. They live in places where their options are extremely limited, where they don’t have a voice, where their lives are overall fairly miserable. Even in our own country, there are women being oppressed into lives they didn’t choose and have no escape from. We must speak out for them. Of course we must. We must try to provide them with alternatives. But equally, we need to do the same for all of the people oppressed because of their race, religion or sexual orientation, as well as their gender.

I quite like the term Humanist. It’s about equality but for everyone. I can identify with that. If I were to imagine an ideal world, it would be one where everyone can choose who they want to be and be open about it, as long as it’s not actually hurting anyone else. I once said that to someone and they pointed out that, as an example, gay marriage hurts the feelings of some religious people. My response to that is that if you don’t like gay marriage because it goes against your personal beliefs then don’t marry someone of the same sex as you. Crisis averted. I really cannot see how who other people love and marry and spend their lives with affects anyone but themselves. Live within your own rules, by all means, but don’t expect or force anyone else to. But I’m getting off topic a bit here.

International Women’s Day is a good idea, I believe. It’s a good day to highlight the problems facing women around the world and also to celebrate what women have achieved, especially in the face of adversity, thus showing those oppressed women their own potential. I really liked that the Facebook page I Fucking Love Science had a range of posts throughout the day on women in science and technology. I definitely want my daughter to grow up knowing her own potential, that she’s not limited to certain career paths because she happens to have been born with a uterus. Having some good role models is a big part of that. I think it’s worth pointing out that a valid option for her is to be a housewife and stay at home mother. The point is that she has the choice.

So, while I’m not 100% sure about any labels at all, I guess I could call myself a humanist. I want all people to live as who they truly are and live the happiest lives possible. Whether you’re a girl or not.

Have a good day.

 

 

Jurrassic World Racism Controversy: A Few Facts

There seems to be a big issue with the new Jurassic World movie, as many people seem to think it’s being racist by referring to pachycephalosaurus as ‘pachy’. For those who aren’t aware, this sounds the same as a derogatory term for people from Pakistan (not a term I would ever use or defend the use of, I’d like to make very clear). While I haven’t seen the film (although I really, really want to!) I’d like to point out a few things:

1. The dinosaur in question is NOT pakisaurus. A pakisaurus is a completely different dinosaur, specifically a sauropod, so named because it was discovered in Pakistan.

2. Pachycephalosaurus is regularly shortened to ‘pachy’, due it being a very long and somewhat tricky to pronounce name. Including in Jurassic Park 2: Lost World as shown in this clip. Did anyone cry out for that film to be banned? Nope.

3. This film was made in America, where the derogatory term ‘Paki’ is not used or known. The people who made this film would not have made that connection, never mind put it in the film as some kind of subtle message that Pakistani people should be treated as dangerous animals, as seems to be the main point of the argument.

I really hope people pay attention to these facts, calm down and enjoy the movie – it sounds awesome and I can’t wait to watch it!

June 23rd is Alan Turing Day

If you hadn’t already, you’ve probably recently heard of Alan Turing due to the major film about him starring Benedict Cumberbatch. While I really want to watch the film, I’m expecting it to be brilliant and I think it’s great that a film has been made about such an intriguing and important individual, I’m also in disbelief that he isn’t more celebrated or well known already.

Alan Turing, in my opinion, should be known by all as a national hero. He did extremely important work in decoding during the Second World War, heavily contributing to saving lives and actually shortening the war. He was also an early pioneer in computing, developing one of the first modern computers and early computer programmes, without which much of the computer technology we use today simply would not exist. Sadly, he was also the victim of barbaric prejudice because he was gay and was convicted for gross indecency in 1952, a crime in Britain at the time. Rather than face a prison sentence, he opted for ‘treatment’ which involved hormone injections to render him impotent. Posthumously, he was pardoned and received an official apology from the government.

To celebrate this extraordinary man and his vital work, I want to mark his birthday, June 23rd, as Alan Turing Day. It would be an opportunity to teach our children about him, to remember how much we owe to him and to remember how much our country has moved forward since the terrible days of gay people being labelled as criminals.

Alan Turing Day

Please join me in this celebration. Bake a cake, watch one of the films or TV dramas about his life, tell your children about him. Write about it, tweet about it, mention it on Facebook. Spread the word and help the world to recognise this amazing individual as the hero that he is.

Thank you for reading.

9,125 days

I recently became 25 years old. I know that really we’re growing a day older every single day and there’s very little difference between being 24 and 25 but it seems like a good time to reflect on the past and look forward to the future.

A lot can happen in 25 years.

I’ve lived in thirteen different places but only called a few home.

I’ve been married for a fifth of my life. This is one of those weird things where it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long but also feels so permanent that it feels strange that at one point it hadn’t happened yet. I hope that makes sense! I love being married. It’s genuinely brilliant.

I’ve created a whole other person (with help, of course!) This still feels strange at times. When she was born, I was in complete awe that this little living creature was grown in my belly. Now that she’s got her own personality and she’ll be starting school soon, it feels even stranger. I didn’t just grow a baby, I grew a person who will have her own life. That is so awesome.

I’ve had many different friends, most of whom I don’t even know anymore. Growing distant from friends used to feel really sad but, to be honest, it doesn’t as much anymore. I guess it helps that I actually live with my best friend! I also think it might be down to realising that everyone’s lives are always changing so friendships are bound to change too. Friendships don’t mean less just because they’re often transitory. I’ll always look back and remember the good friends I’ve had and feel glad to have known them when I did.

I haven’t traveled as much as perhaps I had thought I would when I was younger and I would like to visit more places – I’ve never actually left Europe! However, I do live hundreds of miles from where I was born and grew up so maybe that sort of makes up for it.

I’m not far off from having a university degree, just two years away, as long as it goes according to plan. There were times when I thought this would have happened a lot sooner than it has but there have also been times when I thought it would never happen at all. I’m really grateful that the Open University exists so I’ve had the opportunity to try and achieve this.

I guess the conclusion of my thoughts on turning 25 is that I’m happy where I am now and I’ve got lots of good things to look forward to in my future.

Life Choices

 

Looking on Twitter this morning, it seems a little debate about what women’s priorities should be in their personal lives is going on, sparked by an interview of Kirstie May Allsop in the Telegraph, which you can read here. I started to reply on Twitter too but then realised that I have more to say on the subject than can be really squished into a Tweet.

I actually agree with Kirstie. There, I said it.

As a 24 year old who is married, a mother and two years away from having a degree, I do think that, for some women, not going to university at 18 is a good option. I am so glad that I didn’t because my life could have turned out differently and I love the way it is now. I have an awesome relationship with a lovely husband, we have an amazing four year old daughter and I love them both immensely.

Do I think that my lifestyle will suit everyone? Of course not. But I do think that it does work for me and could work for other women too.

When I got engaged and pregnant at 19, many people assume it was accidental and we were getting married to ‘do the right thing’ or ‘make the best of it’. Actually we got engaged then had a very responsible conversation about the idea of having children. Both of us wanted to and since we were in a fairly stable situation, I joyfully chucked my contraceptive pill in the bin and was pregnant within a few months. This and accepting his marriage proposal are jointly the best decisions I’ve ever made. My family bring me more happiness and fulfillment than any career and, while many women feel quite the reverse, I know I’m not alone in that. So why wait until you’re into your thirties to begin what might be the best part of your life?

People cite a few different reasons for doing so. The main one I’ve heard is the idea that you’re too young to settle down in your twenties, that it’s time for being irresponsible and carefree. I disagree. To me, childhood and adolescence is for being irresponsible and carefree. You’re an adult at the age of 18. My opinion on this might well be a little biased by the fact that I was forced into a situation of leaving home at 17 years old so I had to be responsible for myself from that point on. But I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything because of that. If anything, it’s given me a bit of self reliance and the ability to cope. Do I go out with my friends of an evening as much as I did when I was sixteen or seventeen? No, of course not. But do I miss it? No, not really. It was fun at the time but now spending time with my family is fun and the occasional meal out and a few drinks is fun.

Another reason often given is that you should focus on your career first then have a family. Of course, if you feel that your career is going to be your priority in life, then yes you should focus on that. I’m not going to say that women should definitely choose family over a career. But I do resent being told that I’ve done something wrong by doing so myself.

I do actually plan on having a career, that’s one of the main reasons for studying part time towards my degree. Yes, that’s right. I want to have a career and a family. It’s really not necessary to choose between the two and it’s really not some kind of unforgivable crime to womanhood to put having a family first.  Those that tell you it is aren’t really much better than anyone who tells you that a woman’s place is in the kitchen or that we’re only good for having babies, are they? It’s still a way of getting women to conform to a prescribed life set out by people who don’t know you personally or understand what’s important to you. You’re going to be every bit as miserable if you focus on a career all of your life when what you really wanted was a family as you would if the situation was reversed.

To conclude, your life is your own. Prioritise what’s important to you and your longterm happiness. Don’t feel pressured into a certain path if it doesn’t fit in to those priorities and your personal circumstances.

Thank you for reading!

 

 

The Essential Mother

Sunday was Mother’s Day. I got a lovely pair of walking shoes and two handmade cards from Pip. She, with quite a bit of help from Husband, made me a bowl of cereal and a cup of tea for breakfast. I felt appreciated and happily considered how lovely it is to be a Mum.

Unfortunately, Mother’s Day is a mixed bag for me. On the one hand, it’s the day that I generally get gifts and lots and lots of affection from my daughter and that’s lovely. On the other hand, I don’t have a mother. She’s not dead. Well, I don’t think she is, although really I can’t be certain. But I’ve pretty much come to the point where I don’t think of her like a mother anymore. She wasn’t the nurturing, caring and supportive person that card adverts portray. In fact, she was such a poor example of a mother that I cut off all contact with her more than five years ago. Do I miss her? No. I really don’t miss her. But on days like my wedding day, the day I gave birth and every mother’s day, I do kind of wish I had a mother to be there. During my pregnancy, I cried a couple of times over articles in magazines about how invaluable your Mum is when you’ve got a new baby. Thankfully, this is starting to wear off a bit. I think as a higher proportion of my life has been without a mother, I’m growing to realise that it isn’t so essential to have one.

What does still hugely bother me is when people ask about it then seem to judge me as a terrible person for not speaking to her anymore. ‘But she’s your Mum!’ they’ll say. Like she can’t possibly be a bad person or if she is, she deserves forgiveness for anything she might have done wrong. ‘Do you think you’ll talk to her one day?’ they ask, perhaps with some romanticised picture in their head of the reunion, where we’ll run toward each other and embrace and all of the ill feeling will be forgotten in an instant. Sorry, it’s never going to happen. Even once the anger completely wears off, which it’s well on the way towards doing, I’m never going to forget. If I did, I’d only be leaving myself and my family open to more upset.

I’m actually going to end this post on a rather positive note. Because while I might be without a mother, I can now rationally see that this is not going to really detract from my life overall. I don’t believe that, hopefully as a very old lady, I’ll be on my death bed wishing I’d sought her out. I’ll be far too busy thinking about all of the awesome stuff I’ve done – having children, having a marriage, hopefully getting my degree, maybe having grandchildren. Holidays, special occasions, the every day moments that make life brilliant. That’s what I want to focus on now. That’s why I want therapy to sort out my issues. They don’t deserve a place in my life anymore. There’s too much good stuff to make room for such negativity. Next Mother’s Day, I don’t even want to consider the missing Mother in my life. I want to be too busy thinking about being a Mum to my daughter.